My Own Lifetime Movie

I have decided to write down what happened the night I broke off my engagement. I kept it from the public where I wouldn't face embarrasment and humility. It would make me weak in some eyes and flawed in others, but now I know it is part of my story. It is apart of who I am, and it has changed who I am becoming. Bare with me though, this could get long :) Very, very long!

My story starts out blissful, as most do. I met a great christian man who fell deeply in love with me. He took care of me and wanted nothing more than to make me happy. Next thing I knew we were planning our lives together... all too fast I must add. The engagement came and the wedding planning started. When the whirlwind died down some, I started feeling uneasy about some red flags I began noticing. As the alcohol started pouring and the possessiveness started growing, his true characters started showing. With this, my respect for him quickly diminished. Probably not the best way to enter into a marriage... for the rest of your life. As the helplessly hopeless romantic that I am, I was not happy with what was happening. Was this really what I was suppose to be feeling? Should I really be questioning the man I am marrying? Is this more than just cold feet? None of those were questions I could answer without a little bit of help. So, I began praying. I prayed for God's hand to be shown in out relationship. I needed an answer so I prayed for signs. Not just any signs but a BIG unmistakable sign. Something I could not miss. As if the constant binge of alcohol wasn't enough. The next event I am about to describe to you was God yelling his answer to me, just in case I missed it.

And so the story begins. Robert and I went to his parents for the weekend. This was becoming pretty routine for us. His parents live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. By the middle of nowhere I mean, the middle of nowhere! Not a neighbor in sight unless you count the endless number of cows. Keep this "middle of nowhere" business in mind. So, this particular weekend we were attending a dance for all of those in town. It is a yearly thing and was a pretty big deal. Basically, it was a reason for everyone to tailgate and drink. After a few (too many) beers, Robert wanted to dance. I did not. Dancing with someone who firstly, cannot dance very well and secondly, is under the influence just did not rank high on what I wanted to do that night. This started the o so often fight on drinking. You would think he would get the hint on how I felt by this time. So the fight escalated as the alcohol kept making its way into his hands. By the end of the night I was sleeping on the tailgate while Robert disappeared only to reappear DRUNK! We finally agreed on something that night and made our way back to his parents. The detour is where my Lifetime movie starts.

As Robert is driving down the road (do not ask why I let him drive!) he began to swerve purposely. Tried to scare me because he wasn't getting his way at keeping the radio off and "sluring" about what happened. I then asked him to stop. He didn't. I reached over and hit his arm and said "Robert STOP!!!!" He was very offended by this action and told me not to hit him. I then told him to stop swerving which he did once more and so I reached over and hit his arm once more (petty, i know). His next action was unforgivable. He hit me in my face, three times. Stunned, I sat there with tears rolling down my eyes. All I could say was, "I am done. You will never touch me again." All I wanted was to get to his parents and away from him. Finally his parents house was in sight... then out of sight. Robert passed it. Um... where was he taking me? He stated that we would not go home until we figured this out. What was there to figure out? He has just lost me. After I told him that, he told me to get out of the bleep car. So I did. Remember now that this is in the middle of nowhere. So I am walking down a pitch black road in a dress and heels, with NO PHONE RECEPTION!!! At this point that was the least of my worries. He turns the car around and is begging me to get back in the car. Although I was freezing, tired, and hurting I stayed stubborn and continued walking. His next action was even more of an answer than the hitting. He said " If I can't have you, I have nothing to live for." Then the car stopped moving and his gun went off. (Yes, ladies and gentleman everyone in this part of the world has guns.) I fell to my knees screaming. Everything raced through my mind at once. Is he dead? What do I do? Do I go over to the car? Do I keep walking? What just happened? Without actually making the decision, I started walking to his car. I saw him sitting there with big eyes and he mumbled, "Now I know how much you love me." BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.... BLEEP!! I said a couple choice words I wish not to repeat at this moment. Faking that you would kill yourself to see how I would react = crazy! He began to come out of the car with the gun still in his hand. By this time I was trying to breathe through my uncontrollable sobbing. It was not working very well. He reached his hands around me "trying to calm me down!" ha! As if that could really happen at this moment. With the gun loaded and still in his hands he would not let me go. I tried breaking free and he just began to hold onto me tighter. I nervously tried squirming out of his grasp without accidentally hitting the trigger. When that didn't work I bit him. Not like a 5 year old bit either. Like an I am biting you to save my life bite! Another petty thing to do BUT I could not move any other part of my body. I bit him HARD! Finally he threw me back and I fell to the ground. I was free but far from safe. I heard the gun go off again and then again! Was it me or him? I didn't feel any physical pain at this moment so I assumed it was him. Just to be safe I crawled behind the car out of his line of vision. I continued to pray. Not for safety but for God's will to be done. At this point I begged God to have him shoot me in my head. I knew he was going to shoot me so I wanted it to be over without suffering. As I peaked around the side, he was laying on the ground a little ways up. Trying to make out words through the gasps of air I yelled his name. Without a reply I began to hyperventilate. Then I heard his voice. "I'm sorry Ashton." Thank you Lord! He was not dead. Now, all I wanted to do was get back to the house... somewhere safe! Or so I thought! I began to beg. I promised him we could figure this out. I told him we could get married tomorrow but I just wanted to go back and sleep. All promises I did not intend to keep. At this point I would say anything to get back to that house!! Somewhere that I could use a phone! After 2 hours stranded with him on the road he finally gave in! All I could do was sit shaking in silence. His house was finally in sight! A house with locks and phones and a little bit of safety was finally in my line of vision! Was I really going to make it out alive?? Dear God, Thank you!

I ran into the house hoping I would not get shot from behind. I passed right by the phone, scooping it into my hands and locking the bathroom door behind me so he could not get in. I went to the farthest corner of the bathroom and dialed his brother's number. Laura, Robert's sister in law answered. She said they would be there as soon as possible. The next person I tried calling was my dad. Neither him or my mother answered their cell phones. By God's grace I dialed their house number. A number that I had seen once or twice and definately did not have memorized. My mother answered and heard my cries on the other end. She passed the phone to my father like I asked her to. If I would have tried explaining any of this to her I think she would have freaked out and tried driving anywhere just to find me. I would have definately thanked her for that!! I knew at this moment my dad would be able to put some calm words into my racing mind. When I heard my daddy's voice on the other end I felt a swift moment of relief flow through my body. I wanted nothing more than to be embraced by his hug and know I was safe. All I could say was dad he hit me and he has a gun and I am scared! Man, imagine being a dad at this moment and having your little girl call you with those words!! I can't imaging what he was going through. I even felt a tinge of guilt for bringing him into this situation when he couldn't come save me. My parents both saved me though. Instantly, he tried calming me down and getting the whole story. I tried piecing things together in my head while saying them out loud to him. I was still trying to figure out if this was all just a nightmare. Eventually Laura came to the bathroom door and sat with me. Brian, Robert's brother was out looking for him. He took off with the gun to who knows where. I was not going to follow him. With all this commotion, Robert's parents came down the stairs wondering what was going on. I tried explaining what happened. To my disbelief they seemed to be a little too calm about the situation. Like I was crazy for being scared?? They acted like it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be. Hm... I believe my parents beg to differ. Then Robert and Brian blew in and straight to the bathroom. There went my safe haven. Minutes later Brian came out yelling at me. Saying I deserved it because I left a huge bruise on Robert's shoulder (remember the biting). Really now? He pulled a gun on me AND shot it... three times and you are worried about a bite mark! At this point, I had given up. These people were crazy and I was going to meet God that night. I ran out of tears and out of breaths. My strength was gone. I couldn't fight anymore. All I wanted to do was say goodbye to my parents. One last phone call. I warned them that I had already called my parents and they knew the story. I hoped that this would keep me safe because there was someone else out there that knew what was happening. After a couple more hours of talking through what happened they finally let me sleep. Well go to my bedroom because I can guarantee you I did not sleep. I called my parents to assure them I was still alive. Then I laid down for the longest night of my life. The next morning I had to drive 6 hours in the car with Robert back to Lubbock. I had to pretend that it was going to be ok. I was scared of the man sitting next to me, but I had to act like I was fine because the gun was still sitting in the middle console, between us, with 2 bullets left.

At first, I went back and forth in my head about the next step. I was so emotionally disabled I couldn't even smile. Physically, I was so weak I didn't want to get out of bed. Spiritually, I was clinging onto my life as I knew it Friday before the dance. The memory of the Robert I was going to marry was there but the memory of the Robert on the side of the road would not leave. After many tearful talks with my mom and dad I realized something. God already gave me my answer. He yelled it loud and clear. What kind of woman of God would I be if I asked for an answer and then shoved it off when he gave it to me? I had an opportunity to trust God. To give him my feet and let him walk. What a relief I felt. It was not my decision. My God made it for me. I knew in my heart he was going to take care of me. He was going to lead my footsteps. Later that week, my dad flew out to Texas, packed me up and brought me home. It was such a great reminder of my Father in heaven. God packed up that chapter of my life, brought me home, and is taking care of me. He has perfectly placed so many amazing people in my life. I know that one day I will be able to use my story to help someone else. There is a guy who I have known for a couple years and talked to him here and there. In the last week, we have shared a couple emails back and forth and I was fortunate enough to hear some of his story. Years ago, he was engaged and went through a broken engagement. He hit rock bottom after that and purchased a gun to take his own life. God brought him out of that despair and led him to where he is now. He has encouraged me more than he could possibly know. To see where he is as now is a blessing. God is definatley shown through him and his life. It encouraged me to know that hopefully my story can do something for someone else. If not today, maybe 10 years from now. God will NEVER give me something I cannot handle. Praise Jesus for that! I am so thankful that I have a Father that can give me hope for the future. He will use my past pain for his glory. My life is for his glory! I am still struggling with many things from this experience. I still sleep with a light on for safety. Driving home in the dark gives me anxiety. Trust is going to be an issue. Counseling is a necessity. But one thing I will say from all of this is God I am listening. Use me for your glory. Change my heart, Oh God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, Oh God. May I be like you.